A Day in the Life of Hogwarts
by The Nosewalkers
Summary: You think you know Hogwarts inside out, huh? Well, answer me this: What happens in Hogwarts when J.K. Rowling isn't around to keep it shipshape? Let me tell you; when the author's away, the characters play...
1. Morning

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing but the moldy cheese.

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><p>One morning as the sun rose, Dumbledore stood in the astronomy tower shaving off his beard. It fell to the floor in great white chunks and fluttered across the stone tiles. Then he dropped the chunks over the edge onto the students who were receiving a lecture from Bellatrix about love potions and their ingredients. Bellatrix snatched one of the chunks with a happy cry. "And, of course! Beard is a wonderful addition! It will make your potions taste like sunshine, rainbows, and hair salon!"<p>

Bellatrix dropped the chunk she had caught into the nearest cauldron, which immediately exploded into purple sparkles. They were stirred by the wind and slowly became a purple sparkle tornado, which sped across the grounds. The tornado came to the edge of the lake and a large butterfly shot from its top into the waiting arms of the giant squid. The giant squid happened to be floating over a rather unnaturally small beta that happened to be rather hungry and ate the squid. Meanwhile in Ancient Egypt, the pharaoh had figured out the secret to making lollipops.

Talking about lollipops, Hagrid and Dobby were sitting in the Great Hall eating lollipops and chocolate, while reminiscing about the meaning of life and death. Just as their conversation was coming to a conclusion, Dumbledore burst into the Great Hall, beardless and bald, and began chanting in Ancient Greek. Dobby was so startled by his state of senility, that he imagined an evil cat strangling a dragon while eating churros like Harry and Hermione were doing while walking down Knockturn Alley.

As they made their way down the alley's dark curves, they came face to face with Draco Malfoy, who promptly threw his arms around their necks and yelled, "I love you all AND I'M WEARING LEATHER PANTS!"

Meanwhile Enoby cried tears of blood in the corner because she wasn't Draco s favorite anymore. A bucket of pink paint appeared out of nowhere and poured over her head, while she faded into nonexistence.

Harry came across a pile of moldy cheese and yelled, "Yum! Lunch!" Upon hearing this, the whole wizarding world swarmed like rats around the dumpster in order to partake of Harry's sumptuous feast.

And, so, morning came to an end.

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><p>Thanks for reading! The next part, "Afternoon" will some soon. R&amp;R, my pretties!<p> 


	2. Afternoon

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing but the moldy cheese and the farting bunnies.

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><p>Lunch was over, and the denizens of the wizarding world filtered back to their jobs feeling extremely queasy.<p>

After spending a ridiculous amount of time studying an ant, Ron decided he would rather enjoy a fudge pop. He accidentally chose a blood pop instead and promptly turned into a vampire. In his blood-hungry rampage, he eventually bit Harry, but he died because Harry's blood is toxic.

Then Harry ate Ron. That just made him queasier. As he stood there retching, one of Mrs. McGonagall's spells had misfired, making Harry into a lovable article of clothing: an old, ratty t-shirt. Everyone was overcome by his cuteness and hugged him. McGonagall quickly tried to fix her mistake, and soon enough, Harry was back, with the addition of a lovely tattoo of the t-shirt on his right butt cheek.

The odd occurrences of the day had finally gotten through to Harry and he immediately rushed to St. Mungo's and checked himself into the top security ward. There, he spent a wonderful half hour singing about hairless Dalmatians and fluffy windows while waltzing with Professor Lockheart.

Meanwhile in Hogwarts, Dobby was summoning farting bunnies that shot magical noodles from their mouths. The noodles burned most of the pieces of Dumbledore's beard that were still floating around the castle to a crisp.

Inspired by Dobby's spell, Voldemort summoned a statue of Abraham Lincoln. He cast a spell on it that made it walk around. Unsatisfied with this, he cast another spell. The statue began to dance the Macarena menacingly. Voldemort marched off towards Hogwarts, followed by the dancing statue.

As they marched, the statue decided Voldemort was a tad boring and fried him for a late afternoon snack. After eating the most powerful dark wizard in centuries, Abraham Lincoln had enough magic inside of him that he could come alive and destroy the world. Thankfully, he decided that knitting a new tea cozy for Dobby would be a much more productive job.

Meanwhile, in a quiet part of Hogwarts, Ron's ghost appeared. It floated through the halls and the walls, wondering what had happened while it was away. Eventually, it found its way out to the Herbology greehouses, where Neville was merrily planting pieces of Dumbledore's beard and some of Dobby's farting bunnies. "Help me, Neville!" moaned Ghost Ron. "I'm dead!"

Neville didn't look up. "Cool story, bro," he said, while continuing his planting.

"No really," said Ron. "I'm dead."

"Go away, I don't have time for stupid jokes!" said Neville. "I've still got eighty pieces of moldy cheese and a pair of Draco's leather pants to plant!"

So, Ghost Ron faded off into the evening sunset, sad and alone.

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><p>Once again, thanks for reading! The next chapter, "Evening," will be out soon. R&amp;R, my darlings!<p> 


	3. Evening

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the moldy cheese, the farting bunnies, and the whale carcass.

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><p>As the sun set, everyone realized that they were hungry and it was time for dinner, despite the fact that mere hours earlier they had all pledged never to eat again. They galloped into the Great Hall and attacked the tables, breaking them in half in their hungry rage. The tables were now sad that they were broken and walked away into the sunset where they met Ghost Ron.<p>

As the tables and Ghost Ron began to sway sadly to the tune of the wailing wind, Dumbledore was going nuts again. He jumped on top of his big old chair in Great Hall and started to dance the cancan. The mob in the Great Hall was pacified at the sight of new Technicolor robes and his lovely, spindly, hairy legs.

All, that is, except one lone boy, Cedric, who was quite disgusted with the legs on display. He let out his feelings by vomiting on them, so Dumbledore sent him to Australia for a time out.

Meanwhile, in Hagrid's cabin, his messenger mosquito told him there was cheesecake for dessert. So he ran to the Great Hall waving his war sock and yelling, "CHEESECAKE!"

He sat down to stuff his face, unwittingly squashing a group of Hufflepuffs. After Hagrid left, feeling bad for having caused physical damage to the students, the Hufflepuffs had to be peeled off the ground by their fellow students and thrown into the lake as a sacrifice to Poseidon and Cthulhu.

Meanwhile in the sunset, Ron and the Tables were also very hungry. So they ate a whale carcass. It was delicious. The hungry masses of young witches and wizards in the Great Hall smelled the roasting blubber, and set off towards it with an angry roar.

Once they reached the steaming fat, they pounded it with clubs until it was thoroughly pureed. Ghost Ron and the Tables were appalled at the treatment of their meal and decided to form a protest band. After spending a long time debating what to call themselves "Dobby's Sock" or "The Hippogriffs," they eventually settled on the oh-so-original name of "Ghost Ron and the Tables." They decided to have a concert in the Quidditch field, where they played all evening. The hungry masses forgot their hunger and went to the concert instead. It seriously rocked!

After the concert, everyone wanted the band members to autograph their foreheads and bare chests. Unfortunately, Ghost Ron was so tired from the concert that he fell asleep. The rest of Hogwarts followed suit. Even the few stray hairs of Dumbledore's beard that were still floating around did, along with what was left of the whale carcass and the Giant Squid.

And the sun set as they napped, bringing forth night-time.

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><p>Thank you x3 for reading! Next part, "Night," will be up very soon. R&amp;R, my lovelies!<p> 


	4. Night

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing but the moldy cheese, the farting bunnies, the whale carcass, and the Flabbenobbellatz.

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><p>The first person to wake up from the quasi-universal nap was Luna. She yawned lengthily and bounced on her bed until Trevor the Toad came up to her bedside and croaked at her. She was very startled by Trevor; so startled was she, that she jumped up and yelled, "CHOCOLATE CAKE!"<p>

Hearing the yell, the hungry masses awoke and jumped up, groaning and holding their stomachs. As a body, they stormed down to the Hogwarts Kitchen, where Dobby, Winky, and the rest of the house-elves were waiting, armed with magical bazookas.

The house-elves shot the masses with their bazookas, blowing up Hogwarts and the Grounds. In the middle of the grounds sat the only survivor: Draco Malfoy. He stood up shakily from the remains of the porcelain toilet he had been perched over. "Damn, what happened?" he asked. He tried to look around, but there were no lights so he couldn't see. "I guess my farts must be like small nuclear bombs," he concluded. "Good thing my leather pants are radiation-proof!"

As he pulled up his pants, Ghost Ron floated up. "I'm dead," he intoned.

"Who cares?" said Draco. "I've got leather pants!" And as he strode off into the darkness, the last, singed tuft of Dumbledore's beard fell right through Ghost Ron and landed atop the heap of rubble that was once Hogwarts.

Ron was floating sadly away, when he heard a loud cry of "What the blazes happened here?"

He turned around and saw a blonde, middle-aged woman in a cardigan. The woman held an enormous sheaf of papers in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other. Her mouth was hanging open.

"Hi, Mrs. Rowling," said Ron. "What happened is, I'm dead."

J.K. Rowling sighed. She perched herself on the edge of the toilet and began to write on the paper.

Suddenly, Ron felt himself grow solid. Then, as he watched, the walls of Hogwarts grew tall and strong again.

Draco whizzed past Ron and into the castle. Ron heard him cry, "Noooo! Where are my pants? Why am I in robes? MOMMY, HELP!" as he vanished through the door. Then, Ron found himself sitting in potions class next to Harry. "How did you get here? You were in St. Mungoes!" he said to his friend.

"It was the Flabbenobellatz," said Harry. "Look it up on the internet."

"What's the internet?" asked Ron.

Meanwhile, Hagrid stood at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, shaving his head as Dobby picked up the cuttings and glued them to his own face as a makeshift beard.

A new day at Hogwarts had begun.

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><p>You have reached the end of "A Day in the Life of Hogwarts. Thank you x4 for reading! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. R&amp;R, my darlings!<p> 


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